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Very sloppily directed and constructed, THE TOTAL FEMALE nonetheless has some nostalgia value for porn fans addicted to top-heavy females. Of all the filmmakers, the casting director is the only one earning full marks here.
It’s strictly a silent MOS shoot with dubbing, very poorly synched. In many scenes the cast’s mouths don’t even move when dialog magically is heard from them. But it’s a parade of beautiful, unidentified starlets that is the show’s raison d’etre.
A British porn director named Dave is casting his movies. What is interesting is recurring scenes of him masturbating at his desk, Kleenex box handily nearby, to the pages of one of the ’60s Adult Movie magazines – a rather unusual motif.
Melissa, a model who gets full title recognition on the Something Weird DVD-R box reissue of the movie, is a buxom blonde who satisfies Dave both in his office and on the set. Minimal plot has Dave’s jealous (and prudish) girl friend calling the cops on him during the inevitable orgy finale.
Of 1970 vintage, the film naturally sports full frontal nudity, but its technical deficiencies are glaring. The only creative aspect is the use of first-person, nearly wide-angle facial closeups to simulate passion during the simulated sex scenes. Many films of this period used tight closeups for split-beaver or other gynecological uses, but this film is thankfully less explicit. File it in the “big bust” section of the virtual porn store, with a plus of featuring one-shot actresses.